lets_see_what_happens | Answering Machine

'Over a month since the last incident,' Bel, Good Lord. No wonder you and Miles get along so well.

[Gregor manages not to react when Bel's thumb strokes gently over the back of his palm, save for a short, soft intake of breath before his mouth twists in something that's not quite a smile.]

That would involve me finding someone who wouldn't make a terrible Empress, but who I also disliked enough that I wouldn't feel bad marrying her. [His voice is exceedingly dry.] I'm stuck with this job by virtue of my birth--I hesitate to shove it onto someone of whom I was actually fond.

[a fond gleam in their eyes. yes, he's got that entirely right.~

face falls, though, at the rest of it. nope. nooooooooooope. stubborn headshake, low voice earnest; the traces of sleepy comfort are gone.] Oh, no. Not you. You just... don't strike me as the concubines-on-the-side type..... [fingers curl loosely around Gregor's; they'd lay their other hand over his in turn, but that might be taken as mockery. you and your oaths and loyalties, you'd never take it less than seriously, you'd never go halfway, you'd be faithful or unfaithful and either way it would eat you alive.....] You need someone who makes it worth being Emperor.

Besides, 'n a good relationship the... ha... the shoving is mutual.~

[fingers press a little more tightly, then relax; Greg can let go without worrying if he's not comfortable holding hands while talking about romance. or not, of course. Bel's hand is perfectly happy where it is.~]

Meant to ask. Who're you matched with? [tired smirk] 'f you need to avoid someone, there's an empty bunk in my cabin. Breq's discreet. Wouldn't give you away.

Edited 2016-02-05 19:32 (UTC)

Ah, well, no. Not that I have anything against the profession, but keeping concubines is time-consuming and surprisingly costly. I couldn't handle the overhead. [He says this so straight-faced that he must be joking, but he lets his hand stay in Bel's, for now.] I have plenty of women hanging around at Ivan's mother's request who want to be Empress very badly, even to the point of being willing to stoop to marrying me, but none of them would be good for Barrayar. Anyone who wants the job that badly would be terrible at it, but the trick would be to find someone who doesn't particularly want to be Empress but who wants to marry me. Which then comes with the job of being Empress. You see my problem.

[Gregor swallows a soft sigh and lets his eyes flick back up to Bel's face, widening a little before he thins his lips to a line to flatten out a grin.]

Well, I believe you, but since the person I'm paired with is Breq I think there are certain logistical concerns which may make your plan suboptimal.

[a little better -- maybe he hadn't really meant the part about attaching himself to someone he disliked. that'd be horrible. nods a little, abbreviated due to the shoulder-cast.] Might have a better chance of finding someone here. Just for yourself..... Sort out the job later. 'f she's worth you, she'll be fit for it. [faint amused snort] Take it from a Betan: never waste yourself on someone you already regret.

[it's something of a ramble, but Bel's fairly sure the medication isn't making things fuzzy; this is important, that's all. real love, a chance at something that vital and true, shouldn't be thrown away for the sake of any career ~~or left to the tender offices of an artificial matchmaking program~~.]

You're what? [eyes fall closed; would be laughing hard if ribs could take it right now] Ha. What are the odds.... [a wry smile. the reverse is definitely also true -- and that's something he should probably know, given... what he knows already.]

They put me with Miles. Just goes to show.

[it's another moment or so before the eyes open again. if there's a plasma-rifle speech, or (more logically) a staked-out-on-an-alien-anthill speech, they might as well face it squarely.]

Someone here, just for myself? [Gregor's voice is soft, musing.] God, that sounds excruciating. Lying to them the whole time about my entire life and who I am and suffering through that kind of deception knowing that it'll all be for nothing anyway when we reach our destination and finally get to go home? I think... not, ultimately. I had enough lying to my bedfellows during my stay with Randall's Rangers to last a lifetime. If I'm going to be disingenuous to someone for the sake of saving them from the Barrayaran Imperium, or vice versa, I'm going to do it with my clothes on, thank you.

[He watches Bel laugh a little, the faint worry lines creasing the corners of his eyes easing at the soft sound before he stills at Bel's direct gaze and holds it for a moment, just as steady.]

I see. [He sounds a little thoughtful.] Well, normally I'd advise you not to let him railroad you, but you don't seem to mind so much, so I'll let it pass. Or I'd tell you to be patient with him, but you haven't strangled him even a little bit yet, so I doubt there's any real danger. Or I'd ask you, please, to be careful with him, but... you clearly already are. [Gregor's expression shifts minutely, the weight of his gaze on Bel increasing as he leans forward a little, his elbows on his knees and his hands curled loose and unassuming in his lap.]

So in the absence of all my usual ammunition for this sort of conversation, I will just say... that I'm glad. And that I trust you.

[gives him a look -- a little soft, a little sad.]

Not... all for nothing. Long as the lie's not about what's important.

[would never have been on the list. can't help but know it, in quiet hours when it's impossible not to think..... and that had been all the more reason to snatch at whatever time they had, before the Admiral inevitably reached his own destination and finally went home. even before putting two and two together without permission -- the important part, the reason for it all, had never been a secret.]

Oh, but you can do a lot with your clothes on.~

[you didn't come in here looking for a conversation without innuendo, did you?~]

You don't have to tell your life's story to enjoy someone's company in the short run. You just... have to be real.

['lying to his bedfellows' doesn't sound good, though, given the little Bel had seen of that snake they'd pried out of the smallest suit of armor while Greg had been washing the Randall stink off his incognito personage. ~~hadn't been privy to the circumstances, or might have pointed out that those lies had been exactly the opposite of the ones that would apply here.~~]

What I wouldn't give for him to railroad me just a little.... [breathy laugh at the rest of it -- ah, there's one kink Bel's actually never been into.~ but the rest is just... it's baffling.]

You know.... until that night, with -- with the maple mead.... [hand shivers a little, empty.] He always flinched away, when I touched him.

[you don't flinch, Greg. had thought it was just Barrayar, but... you don't flinch. of course Bel's careful; it's heartbreaking. you're glad -- you trust? what about this isn't "all for nothing"?

would give almost anything for him, but one-true-love never did apply.]

We talked about it. Decided not to let it trouble us. [well, mostly him. wry attempt at a shrug, eyes slipping closed again to take a few more long breaths.] Going to... see what dirt we can dig up on it. I've... been making passes at him for years... whatever he decides to feel is his business, not some algorithm's.

[Gregor shakes his head a little.]

I am the Imperium, Bel. Or--no, that's not right, that sounds obnoxiously self-important. The Imperium is who I am. It is... not divisible. Miles does a neat trick, with Lieutenant Vorkosigan and Admiral Naismith, but it is not one I can emulate. It must be all or nothing, I think, in the end. I can't go halfway and stop.

[He watches Bel, his lips compressing slowly before he sighs.]

I'm not sure where Miles acquired his unfortunate insistence on heterosexuality. It certainly wasn't from his mother. [Gregor pauses thoughtfully.] nor his father, for that matter, though I'm not sure he knows that. I know where Ivan gets it, but Miles...

[He trails off, watching Bel with suddenly serious eyes.]

I'm sorry, Bel. Whatever Miles' feelings, you deserve better than... not being troubled. [He squeezes Bel's hand gently, still gripped loose in his own.] Much better. I hope that Miles comes to his senses sooner rather than later.

I know. [fond smile] That's why... long-term has to be someone right. [short-term's a different story, if he met anyone with whom he didn't want to regret missing chances.... willing to back off, though, eyes understanding. in the end, it's Greg's heart, Greg's choice.

the rest is completely new to Bel, and Greg might enjoy the look of complete baffled consternation.]

I'm sorry, d'you just say... both his parents are bisexual? This... better not be a wish-fulfilment hallucination.... [silent laugh. good God, if old Tung had heard about this--! and Miles, you little so-and-so, almost a decade and not a single word -- but if it's not Barrayar and it's not how he was reared, then -- why those haunting, haunted reflexes -- why pull himself away as if from pain--? even Commander Bothari-Jezek seemed to expect that from the fleet's few other Barrayarans, but then, she'd left home at a young age, never wanting to go back. had that rung too familiar?

swallows, staring, a shiver in lieu of being able to tighten their grip in return.]

I keep expecting... 'just not done on Barrayar' or the like. Once again you're... full of surprises..... ['have you ever thought about going back to your own people' is a popular one. >> back home, of course, it would be 'plenty of fish in the sea' and 'have you tried making a flowchart of what you might be doing to turn him off.']

[Gregor opens a hand, acknowledging Bel's point, before his mouth turns a little crooked.]

Like I said, I don't think Miles knows about Aral. Or Ivan, for that matter. His one semi-public affair was a great secret scandal at the time, and it was with someone who... [Gregor trails off a little, unsure of how to describe Ges Vorrutyer and utterly unwilling to break open Aral's private agonies in a casual conversation with someone he'd never even met.] Who was not right for him. It ended badly, and he doesn't speak of it, but that doesn't change his preferences, I think. Not that he's prone to discussing it openly with me, in any case.

Anyway, it's not as though Miles has given a good goddamn about what is or isn't done on Barrayar before now. He just needs to readjust his priorities away from emotional damage control and towards actually being honest with you, regardless of the result of that honesty. He'll get there, whatever his personal baggage.

[brows knit, sympathy trumping curiosity. no explanation is needed; 'someone not right for him' can be a terrible personal wound, more than justifying silence.]

Does he know about his mother? Or... [....it's starting to click now; Betan mother outside the culture already, Barrayaran father once burned and probably all the shyer for it. And Miles, taking such care not to learn the Betan reflexes that would be out of place back home..... and Barrayar celebrates heterosexual unions, parses all its structures of lordship and kinship and inheritance upon them, but doesn't even have language for anything else.....

eyes close; cracks another smile. show them a Barrayar where Miles could have walked around without a bodyguard who wasn't there for his rank, much less Bel, and things might be different.] I think... he might take more care than you realize. In that sphere. [would you date outside Barrayar's preferred norms?] It... means a lot, though... to have your blessing.

I don't think he's considered it, and Cordelia has never discussed it with me, but I can't imagine she's so, er, rigid in her preferences as a Barrayaran would be regardless of practice.

[Gregor barks a soft laugh and shakes his head a little, eyes warming again.]

Like Miles has ever waited for my blessing for anything, either. It's always easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. [He pauses for a moment, focusing more closely on Bel, the edges of his mouth softening.] And I trust you, Bel. With my life, and Miles', and our sacred honor besides. If it's my blessing you want, you have it--you've had it since before we arrived here.

[and if they never talk about it.... /o\ there's something to be said for Betan lack of privacy taboos after all, isn't there.

evil little snicker] Does he know he wouldn't... need to beg forgiveness? Perhaps someone should set him an example. Plenty of eligible gentlemen on board. Hell, I'd.... [ask you out myself, if I thought you'd have a good time.... more than they'd meant to say; doubtless Barrayar's consanguinity taboos, however senseless between men, would come into play here. still, there are plenty of people on board who aren't dating Vor yet. how about it, Greg? are your preferences as limited as link.inc and your other cousin seems to think they are?

everything's a little fuzzy still, immobility and absence of pain leaving the feeling of a neverending dream. how'd they get onto this, anyway? isn't there a prisoner to arbitrate? but all in all, Bel would rather have Greg right here.

the pressure of Bel's fingers is faint, but assured. might tease and prod and disapprove of your civic structure, but will never treat your lives or honor lightly.] Won't give up on him. Just don't want him pressured. Damn bean-counter algorithm.

[maybe someone should tell Miles that he has Greg's blessing to date within his own gender. some time later, when he doesn't have The Dating Planet breathing down his back. later. that'd work.]

You'd what? [Gregor grins a little, then shakes his head, squeezing Bel's hand back gently. Whatever his own feelings about Bel, Miles has always had the uncanny ability to divert pretty much anyone's entire attention, and Gregor doesn't doubt that's the case here. He sighs softly.]

Whatever pressures Miles feels, I doubt they're from you. And, at any rate, Miles isn't the type to be stampeded into anything he doesn't want to do. He picked that trait up from both his parents with no trouble at all.

Ha... [bright, affectionate, wistful look. speaking of taboo-breaking -- and forthrightness? never let it be said they don't aim high.]

On Beta, they'd think nothing of it if I took you both out at the same time. They'd... think nothing of a lot of things....

[including, sadly, your idea of honor, or the potential for jealousies and non-actionable personal hurt, or the long list of reasons you've just given for not being on the market. no illusions about everything being perfect back there either; all of those are important, not least simply because they're important to you.]

I would, you know. 'f it would come out right. [there are too many ways to make it wrong, but Greg didn't even have to visit in person, and here they both are. prudence is one thing, but he should know this.]

Options're open, though. [aaand the teasing is back, just a little.] Can't be the only man on board who's thought about it.~ Most... egalitarian crew I've seen in years.... give or take.... Still'd have to be someone worth you, though. [no compromises on that.<3]

[[today in things I did not know Bel was going to go and do ^^<3 Can edit if needed, since it's all this way back in a backtag. ~~(100th inbox comment though! :D)~~]]

You--

[Gregor stops, looking genuinely and entirely blindsided by this, his eyes widening helplessly as he stares at Bel for a beat as though waiting for the punchline to the joke. He seems to realize that this poleaxed shock is a bit uncharitable and rehinges his jaw, clearing his throat as color creeps into his cheeks, swallowing before he speaks again.]

I hadn't even thought... I mean. I never labored under the assumption that you would be excessively monogamous, but you love Miles. You've loved him for years. I've always known that. He just--he has the tendency to arrest the entirety of one's attention.

[not a joke in the slightest, and God, that high color in his cheeks? enough to make anyone's heart flip over. did he think Miles burns so brightly as to leave him in shadow?]

Yes? We just 'stablished... that didn't take years to set in. [crooked smile] I don't love him less for what I see in you. 's what 'not excessively monogamous' means. [thoughtfully] I don't... get the impression he is, either... but... not sure he's aware of it.....

[Miles falls in love so easily; Bel's watched it happen, more than once. but it's who he lets himself be with, and why, that ends up mattering.... and there it is, isn't it?

the puzzled, curious look gives way to gentle affection, and Bel reaches over to settle the good hand on Greg's arm, letting the other remain safely in his grasp.]

Gregor.... [it feels important, using the full name; this isn't just about the friendship he's shown since Bel arrived, or what his eyes do sometimes before he remembers to hide himself. those only made it easier.] You're... astounding. All on your own, no title required. [hasn't anyone told you?] God knows I'll never live on Barrayar -- 's not about that. Just want to see you happy.

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